Sikander
Ziad Hashmi, sunniforum.com
http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5100
http://www.montrealmuslims.ca/rose/3/1343
Description: Marriage
proposals here, there, and everywhere? Something's not right and it needs to
be dealt with, perhaps with another
type of MSA.
Marriage proposal.
For some of us, the first thing that came to mind was a ring. For others, it
was an aunty on the phone, listing off the virtues of a potential candidate.
Perhaps we thought of the ladoos we ate a few days ago when our best friend
got engaged. Or maybe our mind raced to family discussions about the
proposal our side is just about to fire off.
How about a proposal without any of the above? A proposal minus the aunties,
the discussions, the ladoos, the ring, or any warning for that matter - a
point-blank proposal?
Talk about being caught off-guard.
Apparently, that’s what’s been happening as of late – to some sisters
in my neck of the woods.
Here’s how it goes, typically: A sister is riding in a subway car or is
walking down a street. She stands out with her hijab. A brother spots her.
He walks up. “Wanna marry me?” he asks. She rolls her eyes and either
looks away or takes off, if she can.
The brother is left standing, ever frustrated that his attempts at avoiding
fitnah are leading nowhere.
The sister, perhaps afraid, is left wondering what brothers are being taught
at those Halaqas. Too much fiqh of nikah, maybe?
When I first heard about this, I wasn’t sure how to react. I was shocked,
simply because it’s not something we’re used to hearing about. But
should I be angry at the brothers for firing off proposals in subway cars
and on the streets? Should I be sympathetic? At least they’re trying to
avoid fitnah. Should I be sad that our community has no mechanism of
accommodating brothers (and sisters) who want to (and perhaps need to) get
married?
According to sources, the brothers are relatively new and thus don’t have
the support network to find a spouse in their new town.
One sister with a niqab was reportedly approached outside a masjid. The
nikah attempt failed when the sister informed the brother that she was old
enough to be his mother. I’m assuming she was already married.
OK, so let’s get this straight. The brothers are single. They want to
marry. There are sisters. They are single.
So what’s wrong then?
A few things.
For starters, maybe when discussing the fiqh of nikah, it should be made
clear (as it was to me when I was studying, thanks to my teacher) that just
because some rules exist, it doesn’t mean they’re the wisest or the
preferred method of doing things.
So, when we study that all is required for nikah is eejab
(proposal) and qubool
(acceptance) in the presence of two adult, Muslim males or one male and two
females, it doesn’t mean that we actually start trying to do the thing at
street corners and alleyways.
There are etiquettes and not following the etiquettes can lead to problems.
Nikah is not a tool for making ‘Halal flings’. It’s a serious business
that’s supposed to be about a serious, long-term relationship.
When a man proposes, he proposes to a potential life-time partner and the
potential mother of his children.
What if a sister accepts, without her knowing anything about the brother nor
the brother knowing anything about the sister? Would they be actually
willing to make a lifelong commitment? If no, then what happens if the
sister happens to get pregnant?
It is very natural to want to get married, especially with the fitnah in
today’s society. Even back then, the Prophet 
encouraged
young people to get married:
“O Company of young men! Any of you who
can afford to should marry. It restrains the eye and protects the private
parts. Anyone who is unable to should fast. It restrains the appetite.”
(Bukhari)
But proposing in subway cars and on the street is not the way to do it.
Whenever possible, one should network through one’s family and friends, or
if that’s not possible, through an elder (an Imam, perhaps) or through a
close friend.
If it means going back to one’s home city or country to get married, then
be it.
Still fruitless and can’t seem to solve the problem? Tough it out and curb
the desires in following the Prophet’s advice
by fasting and by cutting the food-supply to one’s desires (i.e. stay away
from areas of fitnah, try lowering the gaze, and occupy the mind with
thoughts about other things).
Secondly, we need to reevaluate our stance on marriage at a societal level.
Have we made marriage simple prohibitive for those without the cash to pay
for things we have made to be the ‘necessities’ of a marriage ceremony
and for those without degrees-in-demand? Do we consider those who are new to
our communities to be ‘aliens’ and thus leave them to wander the streets
and propose? Have we, who claim to be reviving the Sunnah of the Prophet and
who seem to be allergic to our ethnic cultures, suddenly become (gasp!)
class-conscious?
Lastly, do we have a mechanism in the community for helping brothers and
sisters get married? If one has no one to turn to, how is he or she supposed
to find a spouse without proposing randomly? Do we need support groups for
single brothers and sisters?
These stories leave me saddened more than anything. I admire the brothers
for going out of their way to avoid Haram, yet I feel sorry for them,
especially the brother who asked the niqabi sister without even seeing her
face. At the same time, I think I’m a bit disappointed that they chose an
avenue which leaves the sisters feeling harassed and probably unsafe.
What does this teach us?
It teaches us that there is a real need for education, guidance and support.
It can be tough being a single Muslim in today’s society and even more so
when you’re away from home and are lonely in a
I believe there should be somewhere to go for help and support when things
just don’t work out, as well as for pre-nikah prep, so we all know what to
expect when we start phase II of our lives.
I strongly encourage everyone, myself included, to think about this
seriously and get something going, online at the very least.
I think each city with a decent Muslim population should have two local
chapters of a support group, one for brothers and one for sisters, led by an
Imam and an experienced, knowledgeable sister.
The time has come for Muslim Singles Anonymous.
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Sikander
Hashmi, 22, is a graduate from the Alim Program
at Al-Rashid Islamic Institute in