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The first wedding night is like no other. It is the night where two
people embark upon life in a whole new world with its own unique
qualities and experiences.
It is a doorway that is being crossed for the
first time. The two people are able for the first time to enjoy what
has always before been forbidden to them. This new permissibility
applies to only one person. For the husband, this person is his wife,
his life-partner, the woman who is going to be the mother of his
children. Should not this woman deserve to be treated with the utmost
care, consideration, and sensitivity from the very first moment?
True, this is not the first experience that
this young man will have had in dealing with women. He will have grown
up surrounded by his mother, his sisters, and other female relatives.
However, though he will have been interacting with these people for
many years, that interaction will have had limits placed upon it.
There will remain secrets, a world hidden from view.
However, the meeting of a husband and a wife
for the first time changes all of that. It is the beginning of a whole
new kind of relationship, in many ways deeper and more personal than
any other relationship that he will ever have, bringing with it a
deluge of unique experiences and considerations. Between the husband
and wife, nothing remains hidden. There are no veils and no barriers,
and no shameful parts. How could there be, since the husband is a
garment for his wife and she is a garment for him. They are to seek
comfort and tranquility in one another.
What does the wedding night mean for the
husband? It signifies the end of one important stage in life and the
beginning of another, one that will assume for the rest of his time on
Earth. This means that he should take care to start off this new life
correctly, taking every step with the utmost care, deliberation, and
patience, and knowing full well the direction in which he wishes to
proceed.
The wedding night should be a night filled with
tenderness, intimacy, affection, and joy. In that night, the husband
should be seeking to establish ties of love and affection with his
wife and placate her worries and her fears about the new life she has
just embarked upon, so that she feels secure and at peace with him.
There are some etiquettes that have been
related to us regarding the wedding night that we wish to remind every
newlywed about, that perhaps he will benefit from them:
1. The husband should place his hand upon his
wife's head and offer a supplication for her.
He should place his hand upon the front part of
her head at the time when he first starts to approach her or after
that. He should mention the name of Allah Almighty and then pray for
blessings, and then say the supplication that was taught to us by the
Prophet (peace be upon him): “O Allah! I ask of you the good of her
and the good of what you have placed in her nature, and I seek refuge
with you from the bad in her and the bad that you have placed in her
nature.” [ Sunan Abî Dâwûd
(2160) Sunan
Ibn Mâjah (1918) Mustadrak
al-Hâkim (2811) and Sunan
al-Bayhaqî (7/148)]
The hadith speaks about taking hold of her
forelock upon reciting this supplication. However, there is nothing
wrong if the husband abandons some Sunnah practice like that one if he
feels it could bring about some negative consequence, like angering
his wife or causing her to feel an aversion to him. Such feelings
might come about if the woman is unaware of this Sunnah and she
misunderstands its intended meaning.
It is not a condition for this supplication
that his wife should hear it. There is nothing wrong if the husband
recites the supplication in such a manner that it is only audible to
him. There is nothing mentioned in the hadîth to indicate that it is
preferable to say it loudly.
2. The husband and wife should offer two units
of prayer together. This is an established practice of the pious
predecessors, as related in the following narrations:
Abû Sa`îd, the freedman of Abû Usayd, said:
I got married while I was a slave, so I invited a number of the
Prophet's Companions, including Ibn Mas`ûd, Abû Dharr, and
Hudhayfah. We started to offer prayers and Abû Dharr went forward.
They said to him: “Hold up.”
He said: “Is this so?”
They said: “Yes”, whereupon I went forward to lead the prayers,
though I was a slave and possession.
They taught me, saying: “When your wife enters upon you, pray two
units of prayer, then ask Allah for the good of what has entered upon
you and seek his refuge from the bad of it. Then the matter is for you
and your wife.” [ Musannaf Ibn
Abî Shaybah (17147) and Musannaf
`Abd al-Razzâq (3822)]
Shaqîq
said:
A
man called Abû Jarîr came and said: “I have just married a young
lady and I fear that she shall dislike me.”
`Abd Allah b. Mas`ûd said: “Affection is from Allah and dislike is
from Satan who wishes to make you dislike what Allah has made lawful
to you. So, when she comes to you, bid her pray with you two units of
prayer. Then say: ‘O Allah, bless me in my family and bless them in
me. O Allah! Bring us together in what you bring together in goodness.
And cause us to part, when we part, towards goodness.” [ Musannaf
`Abd al-Razzâq (10460-10461), Mu`jam
al-Tabarânî al-Awsat (4018) and Mu`jam
al-Tabarânî al-Kabîr (9/204) – all of these with
authentic chains of transmission]
It
is important for us to take heed of the fact that this practice of
offering two units of prayer together is not established on the
authority of the Prophet (peace be upon him). Consequently, it is not
something that we should become stern about putting into practice.
Likewise, we should not think to blame anyone who does not do so, as
if it was an established and indisputable Sunnah that was being
neglected.
The issue is an easy one. If the husband and wife wish to postpone the
two units of prayer until later, they may do so. They may wish to
spend time together first, speaking, relaxing, and getting to know one
another, so she may overcome the fear and shyness that she is likely
to feel.
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