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Teaching
your Child about Islam Freda Shamma
Children are born in
a state of fitra (purity)
and then their parents teach them to be believers or unbelievers.
According to the Musnad Ibn
Hanbal, "The children of the unbelievers are better than you
grown-ups. Every living
creature is born with a righteous nature." It is our obligation
and duty as parents to teach our children so that they grow up to be
believing, practicing Muslims. Sending
the child to an Islamic weekend school or to a full-time Islamic
school is an important but minor part of their Islamic education. The
major 'institution of learning' for each child is his family, and the
major 'professors' of this institution are the parents. ROLE
MODELING
The most
effective way to teach anything to anybody is to be a role model.
This is why Allah sent human beings as prophets to all peoples.
Whether we willingly accept this job or not, it is a fact that
your child learns how to function in life by watching what you do.
Even the absent parent is role modeling to the degree that a
boy, whose father abandoned his family, will probably treat his own
children the same way.
Every time we deal
with our children, we are teaching them, whether we intend to or not.
There is a famous poem by an anonymous author that depicts this
vividly. It begins: If a child lives with
criticism, he learns to condemn. Therefore we must examine
carefully how we deal with our child in order to have a desirable end
result. This same poem
continues: If a child lives with
tolerance, he learns to be patient. POSITIVE
VS. NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT
As the above
poem indicates, negative comments and treatment result in negative
attributes in our children, and positive comments and treatment result
in positive results. The term 'positive and negative reinforcement' is
popular in modern psychology, but it was advocated by the Qu'ran and
the actions and sayings of Prophet Muhammad (May Allah's peace and
blessings be upon him), 1400 years ago.
How do we use positive reinforcement to teach our children?
Young children are
basically good. Furthermore
they want to please their parents. When you praise them for their good
behavior by telling them that Papa and/or Mama is happy with their
action, you are using positive reinforcement.
U ortunately many parents ignore their child's good actions and
only comment on the bad actions.
Let us take an example. EXAMPLE
Iman is three years
old and has a baby brother, Samir, who is one.
She gets out her blocks to play with and of course Samir crawls
over to get involved. She
gives him a red block and then proceeds to build a tower. Samir grows
tired of his one block and tries to get more.
In the process he knocks down the tower.
Iman reacts angrily and grabs all the blocks and tells her
brother that he can't play with any of the blocks.
Her mother hears her and shouts at her angrily, "Iman you
are a bad girl not to share with your brother. Give him some blocks!
Iman did two actions
concerning her brother: 1. She gave him a block and 2. She took the
blocks away. She received
attention from her mother for the bad actions.
This teaches her that if she wants attention from her mother,
she should NOT share.
How else could the
mother have handled it? If
she had praised Iman when she first shared ("Iman, what a nice
sister you are, to share with your brother.
I'm so happy to see you do that."), then Iman would
remember that her doing ‘good’ resulted in her mother's attention.
When her brother knocks over her blocks, her first inclination
will probably be to grab all the blocks but if her mother is there to
console her and encourage her to try again ("Oh Iman, it's too
bad that Samir knocked over your blocks.
He was trying to play with you, but he is too little to be good
at making towers. Why
don't you build a little tower for him to play with, and then you can
build a big one for yourself."), then she will happily give him
more blocks. She will want to share next time as well because that
action got her mother's attention. INTEGRATING
ISLAM INTO LIFE
One of the most
important aspects of raising your children to be Muslims is to
introduce the idea that Allah is also happy with their good actions.
If you say that what they did or are doing is making you and
Allah happy, then the child begins to associate good behavior with
acting for the pleasure of Allah, which in a nutshell, is exactly what
being a good Muslim involves. Can
you say anything better of a believer other than that he/she does
everything fi sabillah (for
the sake of Allah)? BAD
CHILDREN
The child who errs
is forgiven by Allah, and if he dies in childhood, he automatically
goes to heaven. This
mercy of Allah should guide us as we guide our children.
It is not necessary to make the child fearful of Allah or
fearful of going to hell. In
fact, this approach is counter productive - it often achieves the very
result we are trying to avoid. Stressing
the negative and the punishment makes the child want to avoid anything
to do with the religion. He
or she grows up thinking that it is religion that keeps him from
enjoying life. ATTRIBUTES
OF ALLAH
When you are talking
to children under the age of twelve, stress the characteristics of
Allah that will give him security and assurances as he grows and
encounters fearful situations and unknowns. He needs to be aware of
the many blessings Allah has given to him to help him enjoy and cope
with his life. And he
needs to understand which actions Allah will be pleased with, rather
than worry over punishment for mistakes he knows he will make. ISLAM
AND DAILY LIFE
Too often when
parents think about talking to their children about Islam, they
concentrate on the ritual of the five pillars.
They teach them how to make salat (required prayer), and they
teach them some short Qur'anic surat (chapters).
These are important, but don't forget that Islam is a total way
of life, and every aspect has an Islamic element that you need to talk
about and demonstrate for your child.
When the father goes off to work, the mother can say 'Good bye'
or she can say 'Assalamu alaikum' and add its meaning in English, 'may
Allah's peace be with you".
As she and the young child start to do something together, she
can mention that the father is doing what Allah says a good father
should do - working to take care of the family.
She can also mention, and the father should also mention it
frequently, that she is trying to please Allah by doing many things to
help her child and the family. When
the child helps her mother clean off the table, the mother should
mention that Allah is pleased with children who help their parents.
Mentioning the Islamic aspect does not imply nor suggest that
you need to deliver lectures about Islam to your child.
No child wants to sit still long enough to hear a lecture about
anything. The effective
teaching comes as short comments or stories that point out the Islamic
nature of the action. When
the parents pay zakat (yearly compulsory tax), they should mention the
fact to their children. When they visit the sick, they should quote a
Qur'anic ayah (verse) or hadith (story about Prophet Muhammad) which
indicates that this action pleases Allah.
When there are two ways that a child can respond to a
situation, the parent can mentions nicely which way will be pleasing
to Allah.
The constant
reference to Allah, the constant encouragement to do what is right,
and the constant praise and positive reinforcement for doing the right
actions, will focus your child on the right path. ADOLESCENCE
As our children
reach adolescence, they begin to question what they have been taught,
especially if most of the youth they associate with are non-Muslims,
or non-practicing Muslims.
If you have already
established a positive relationship with your youth, then your teenage
child will come to you with his/her questions and concerns.
Do not mistake these questions and worries as a rebellion
against you or against their religion. They
see the kids at school dating, and it looks like fun. 'Why shouldn't
we date?' they wonder. Be
happy that your youth feels comfortable coming to you with these
issues. If you have not established a positive relationship with your child by this time, you will probably have a big problem on your hands, because your youth will have the same questions, but he won't come to you for a discussion about them. He will be seeking his answers from his friends, and if his friends are not actively practicing Muslims, he may be getting answers that go against Islam.
Why do some
parents and youth have a positive relationship and others do not? There
are at least two important factors here: time and what kind of time?
Did the parents spend time with their children as they were
growing up? Did they make
a practice of asking their children about their school, their friends,
their opinions on various things, and then LISTEN to their answers?
Remember positive
reinforcement? What kind
of time do the parents spend with their children?
Is it based on positive reinforcement, or does the child
expects to hear angry and negative comments every time he/she tries to
talk to a parent? EXAMPLE
Thirteen year Omar
is fasting for his second year, during Ramadan.
One Saturday he and another Muslim, Adnan, go to a non-Muslim
friend's house to play. At
one o'clock, Omar phones home to tell his mother, " Johnny keeps
asking us to eat lunch. We told him we're fasting and he should go
ahead, but he says if we don't eat, he won't either. Adnan says if I
break my fast, he will too. What
should I do?"
"I can't
believe you're asking me that," complains his mother.
"Allah is going to punish you if you don't fast!
You know better than that?
Why can't you act like a good Muslim.
Your father and I have taught you better than that!"
How often will Omar
asks his mother any questions after a response like that? By assuming
that his behavior is negative and giving negative reinforcement, you
can be sure that Omar is not likely to ask his mother for help again.
Instead, imagine if his mother answered this way:
"You did the
right thing by phoning when you weren't sure.
But I think you already know what you should do.
What do you think is the right thing to do?"
Omar answers,
"I think I should say no, I'm going to keep fasting." "You are exactly right," answers his mother. "I'm so proud of you for the way you are thinking." EVALUATING
THE NEGATIVE
When you have
discussions with your youth, you may be alarmed at his rudeness, or
his apparent rejection of everything you say. He may even tell you
that you are stupid or you don't understand, or you don't care about
him. This does not mean
what it sounds like. It
means that he does not feel comfortable with the answers he is
getting. Maybe what you
say is opposite to what he is feeling at that moment, or maybe he has
given that answer to his non-Muslim friends and they have rejected
that opinion.
Although it is very
hard, remain kind and positive with your youth.
It really hurts the parent to hear these comments, but they are
not really aimed at the parent, but at the thinking process he/she is
now undertaking.
During your
discussions with your youth, you will now want to include both
positive and negative reinforcement.
'Yes', you may agree with your youth, 'it is very difficult not
to drink when everyone else is, but remember that Allah will reward
you for your good behavior, and remember His punishment if you follow
someone other than Allah.'
When there are so
many unIslamic forces putting pressure on your youth, he now needs to
understand that Allah will hold him accountable for his actions.
Allah will help if the youth ask Him for help, and he will be
rewarded for following the right path, but accountability also means
he will receive punishment for his bad deeds.
Life is too
difficult to do by oneself. The
young child has his parents who protect him, and encourage him and who
'know everything'. Then
he/she grows up and discovers that mother and father don't really know
everything. Furthermore
at school he/she is hearing and seeing other philosophies of life, and
the selfish, materialistic one most readily seen at school seems like
fun, and besides, 'everyone else is doing it'. How is the youth
supposed to figure out who is right?
It is a difficult time for him/her, and it is up to the parents
to be supportive, to encourage discussions, to make allowances for
mistakes, but at the same time, to remain firm in their teaching of
Islamic values. SEVERAL
ISSUES INVOLVED
While teaching
and talking to our children about Islam, we need to be aware of
certain hidden issues. These
are secular vs. religious actions, facts vs. behavior and acquiescence
vs. critical thinking. These issues affect our thinking and acting
although few of us are aware of them. SECULAR VS. RELIGIOUS
Hina was an
attractive fifteen-year-old with a slender, attractive figure. She
attended the Islamic weekend classes on a regular basis, wearing very
short skirts and skintight sweaters. The teacher mentioned to her
mother that she might want to encourage her daughter to dress more
Islamically because her way of dress would attract undesired
attraction of the boys at school.
"Hina, you have
to change the way you are dressing. It's unIslamic. No more short
skirts and you have to wear overlarge sweaters to hide your
shape!" scolded her mother.
"Who are you to
say anything?" responded Hina angrily. "Look at yourself,
your dress is up to your knees and I can see everything about your
shape!"
Hina's mother has a
split personality when it comes to religion.
On one hand she prays her prayers and fasts during Ramadan.
On the other hand she likes to be 'fashionably' dressed when
she interacts with non-Muslims. She reads the Qur'an most
evenings, but spends her afternoon gossiping with her friends.
What is her daughter learning?
Hassan is no better
off with his father, who takes him to the weekend Islamic classes but
tells him he can skip Juma because his academic studies are more
important. Hassan's
father is a leader in the Muslim community, but Hassan overhears him
bragging to his friends about how he cheated on his income tax and got
away with it.
If we as parents
pick and choose which aspect of Islam to apply and which to omit from
our own lives, we can hardly expect our children to live purely
Islamic lives. If
Hina's mother chooses her clothing based on what her non Muslim
associates re wearing, then of course Hina will demand the same right,
even though her mother feels like her clothes are too short or too
tight. The question is,
who is the authority and who has the right to decide?
If it is Allah who has the right to decide, then parents have
no right to pick and choose which practices they will follow.
If it is the individual who decides, then children have as much
right as their parents, once they reach puberty. Parents who think
differently will have their youth point this out to them (if they are
on speaking terms). For
sure the youth will be thinking this. If you know you are not
following what Allah orders, you can attempt to change your own
behavior, admit to your youth that you are also still growing in your
faith, and tell them frankly that you are trying to help them on the
right path now because it will make their life easier and better. Then
you will need to point out the times when your deviation from Islamic
values has caused problems for you.
If you choose to
ignore this aspect, most likely your children will choose to ignore
your advice. FACTS VS. BEHAVIOR
This aspect has
already been alluded to in this paper, but it needs a bit of
explanation. We expect
the masjid (mosques) classes to teach our children how to read the
Qur'an in Arabic, but not to understand what it means.
We expect the masjid to teach our children how to pray, how to
fast, etc. but NOT HOW TO LIVE, how to behave. These are facts, not behavior.
Many children know how to pray; very few feel the need to pray
because they understand its importance.
Quite a large number of children know how to read the Qur'an.
Only a few read the Qur'an in order to understand what it is saying,
or in order to answer their questions.
Islam is a complete
way of life. The facts
(the 5 pillars, the biography of Prophet Muhammad) are useful when
they help the person learn how and why they should do something.
The fact that Prophet Muhammad lived 1400 years ago is a fact.
By itself, that fact is worthless.
The fact, that he lived as a Muslim in a city where Muslims
were few and persecuted, is worthless until it helps us realiz that if
he and the early Muslims could flourish in that setting, then so can
we. When we teaching our
children about Islam, we need to teach them how to behave, not just to
memorize facts. Instead
of giving them lists of facts to learn, set them an example and
mention the Islamic connection while you are doing it.
You visit someone who is sick; mention that this is an Islamic
requirement, discuss with your child why it is good to do this act.
Make sure you visit with sick people who are not part of your
cultural group and non-Muslims as well. One important lesson for your
child to learn is that Islamic behavior is good for everyone, even
non-Muslims.
Watch TV with your
children, especially the pre-teens.
Don't preach, but discuss the behavior of the characters in the
sitcom (comedy). Make comments like, 'Aren't you glad you're a Muslim
so you don't have that problem' (concerning problems with dating,
drinking, etc.)
Initiate discussions
with your children. Bring
up situations like, 'What should you do if a friend in school is out
sick for a week?" It
is extremely important to really listen to what your children are
saying. They know in a
second if your mind is preoccupied with something else.
When you ask for their opinion, really l ten to their answer,
and make your next comment reflect theirs. ACQUIESCENCE VS. CRITICAL
THINKING
Many parents grew up
in areas where colonizing rulers maintained schools for acquiescence.
That is, pupils were taught to repeat exactly what the teacher told
them. If the test question asked for 3 reasons why it is good to brush
your teeth, the answer had to be the exact three reasons that the
teacher had told them in class. The pupil is not supposed to think; he
is supposed to accept everything without questioning. This is too
often the way we teach our children about Islam.
Do this action because Islam says you have to. Do this
exactly the way I say because every other way is haram.
Our children need to learn that there are two kinds of
knowledge, that which is revealed and that which is humanly acquired.
Knowledge revealed in the Qur'an and hadiths is unchanging and
unarguable. Knowledge that is derived from our five senses and
our own thinking is subject to error and can and should be questioned.
North American
schools, including good Islamic schools, stress critical thinking.
For children who grow up here, it is not sufficient to say you
have to do this because I say so.
You can expect your children to honor a obey you because Islam
requires obedience to parents, but you must also explain and discuss
why you are asking for their obedience.
Your youth should be required to pray, because Allah says for
them to pray, but you must also be open and willing to discuss why
Allah would ask us to do that. What
are the possible benefits of praying, what should you do if you feel
like the prayer is empty of meaning to you, and so on.
These questions don't mean your youth are turning away from
Islam; they mean that your youth are thinking seriously about their
religion. One of the
most wonderful things about Islam is that because it is the truth, it
can stand up to the most critical of questions.
Parents must also
learn to acknowledge that they make mistakes, and they are ignorant of
certain answers. Your
child does not have the right to expect you to be able to explain
every Islamic injunction. He/she
does have the right to expect you to give an honest and open response
to their questions. When you tell your youth, "That's an
important question. I
don't know the answer. Let's see if we can find out what the Qur'an
says about it." then you have created an open, honest exchange of
thoughts with your youth.
Discuss Islam with
your children from the time they are young, stressing the positive,
and encouraging them to speak fr kly and freely to you.
Be an Islamic role model for them. By the time they have
emerged from their troubling, questioning adolescence, you will have
children who have actively embraced Islam, and who want to be Muslim
because they know that it will make their life better in this world,
and in the hereafter, in shaa
Allah (Allah willing). This paper was first presented
at the Annual Convention of the Islamic Society of North America,
Chicago, Sept. 2, 2000. Dr. Freda Shamma has her
doctorate in Curriculum and Instruction, which she received from the
University of Cincinnati. She
has worked on curriculum development in several Muslim countries as
well as for Islamic schools in North America.
Currently she is the Director of Curriculum Development for
FADEL (Foundation for Advancement and Development of Education and
Learning) in Cincinnati, Ohio. Her latest publication can be found in Muslims
and Islamization in North America: Problems and Prospects, ed.
Amber Haque. Amana Publications.
Dr. Shamma has five children,
the oldest of whom is married with two children, and the youngest is
in high school. All of
her children are active in Islamic wor and particularly active in
MYNA, Muslim Youth of North America. |